My Mountain

Have you ever had no power at all? On August 24, 2014, my uncle Moose got married. They wanted it to be a fairly small affair. It was decided that my family would host the small gathering in our backyard with one theme in mind, luau! 

Since I play the ukulele, I wanted to do something special for my new aunt. I learned how to play a very sweet song, and I was going to surprise her and play for their second dance as a couple. I’m pretty overdramatic, I always have been, so being in front of a crowd has never been a big deal to me. This time was different. I could feel it in my chest. A deep, heavy feeling, like a sumo wrestler was sitting on me, keeping me from breathing. My hands were shaking, my heart was beating rapidly, and I was hyperventilating. I couldn’t control it. I was getting lightheaded, but I knew I had to play anyways. I didn’t know that I would never be the same.

Ultimately, I played and sang anyways. I made my family cry and everyone loved it, but I still felt strange. A few days later, I told my parents that this feeling hadn’t gone away and that I was having more moments of just feeling incredibly anxious, although I had nothing to be anxious about. I went to the doctor, and I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder.

Panic disorder is a disease in which sufferers have sudden and repetitive attacks of fear, resulting in hyperventilation, heart palpitations, uncontrollable sobbing, dizziness, nausea, possible fainting, and a sense of hopelessness. These sudden bursts of fear are more commonly known as panic attacks. They can range from 30 seconds to 30 minutes in length, and for me, they could happen at any time.

I was an 18 year old girl with everything in life in order. I had chosen a college, I had friends and a family that loved me, I was in line to be the salutatorian of my graduating class, I had everything I wanted, and no fear at all. I lost so much of it that day. Due to the severity of my disorder, I had to be homebound for a month of my senior year. I was put on a range of medicines that didn’t work and caused innumerable side effects that kept me sick in bed and away from the world. One combination of medications was just enough to cause the side effects you hear about on tv, and I was hospitalized due to severe depression and thoughts of suicide.

It’s hard to believe that, after all I had had just a few months prior, that I was at the lowest point of my life with no power to change it. But I was never meant to have power to begin with. 

For a long time, my disorder seemed to be gone. I went from 15 panic attacks a day to one every few months. It was awesome to be free. Sometimes, God gives us situations that we never expect.

On January 31, 2015, my disorder flared up again. However, it was different this time. This time, I have Social Anxiety Disorder. This time, my panic attacks have a trigger, and unfortunately, that trigger is people. I have been unable to go to school, to church, to most any social situation since that day. Even now, I’m writing this after just having a panic attack. This time, my disorder brought with it depression and an emptiness. But, I have a hope.

From that moment in August, to that moment in isolation in the hospital, to the moment of freedom, to this very day, God has a hold of me. He pulled me out of the worst situation in my life, and I trust that He holds me during this one. Even through this trial, God shows His power. I have been able to witness to several hundred people because of this. I don’t know why I have panic attacks, but I know that God does, and I trust that.

John 16:33 I have told you these things that you may have peace, in this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world. 

  Skittles and I hope you have a blessed day!